Fifty Shades Of Fantasy…

Fifty Shades Of Grey. Is it wrong that this is what I want? It doesn’t matter how lady like you behave in the street, how well mannered you are meeting the parents, this is about what goes down under the sheets. And this is what I want. Luckily for me, I have a man willing to oblige… More about that later.

I’ve been observing on the internet several reviews that say the book just makes people feel ill. Clearly BDSM isn’t their cup of tea and they aren’t interested in Mr.Tie-Me-Up-Tie-Me-Down. However, it’s starting to grate on my nerves now. IF WHIPPING MAKES YOU FEEL ILL, DON’T READ THE BOOK. Admittedly, the prose leaves a lot to be desired in places, James’ sentence structure is disjointed throughout, and I’m left boggling when she uses English  when the book is supposed to be in Seattle, but the concept and the Dom/Sub relationship that Anastasia and Christian is a huge turn-on. He wants to be in control of everything, he makes demands and she must obey. There is nothing sexier than being totally out of control and knowing that someone entirely possesses you, physically and sexually.

I completely understand that this isn’t a lifestyle choice for everyone and people are going to be uncomfortable with the idea, but it’s well documented that ‘Fifty Shades’ is about this kind of relationship. Turns your stomach? Don’t read the goddamn book.

For me though, this is something that I actually want . I want a “Red Room of Pain Pleasure”. I want a bend over bench. I want to be told yes and no. I want to be dominated is what it boils down to. This may make my tastes a bit raunchier than your average girl, some of you may be slightly freaked out, but at the end of the day, whether you like gimp masks or straight forward vanilla sex, it’s all about what pleases you. No-one has the right to judge you on that.

Anyway, I’m off on the pursuit of happiness… See you on the other side.. 1d3a.

But the heart wants what the heart wants..

Just scrap everything I said in that last post. Just forget it ever happened. Just forget I ever mentioned that other guy. Just remember J.

There aren’t really enough words for me to describe the events of Saturday night.. The sheer horror and shock and confusion I went through. But I pose a question to you all…

What if the man you loved told you he wanted you, forever?

Not just for the foreseeable, not just until you annoy him, not just while he still wants you. Forever. What do you say? Silly promises can be made by any man. A guy can stand there and tell you you look beautiful or he loves you or he wants to marry you… But when it comes to “The One” it has a whole different meaning. This is what I experienced on Saturday.

So here I am. I’m sat here on his sofa. I’m lying in his bed at night. I’m kissing him and he’s holding me. I’m falling in love all over again with every last detail of him. Though terrified I may be that he will leave just as quickly as he returned, I can’t say no. I refuse to live with ‘what-ifs’ and I would never forgive myself if I lost this chance. 

This is our last good shot at our forever… I only hope they aren’t empty promises. 

I’m off on the pursuit of happiness… I’ll see you on the other side.. 1d3a.

It’s been a long time coming…

Blimey, I really have left it a while since I last wrote on here… Life has been manic and I’ve found myself lost for energy and words. However, I am back, attempting to maintain the “one post everyday” rule I set myself! 

I’ve tried to maintain a certain amount of anonymity on this blog, mainly because I know friends of mine would love to get their paws on it and I would rather keep it secret. These last few weeks have been so crazy and I guess for you to understand what’s going on, I need to give something away… 

You see, there was this guy. We’ll call him J, just so I can attempt to keep the nosy nellies at bay. Anyway, J was officially The One. For five years I chased him and pursued and fought for the man I loved. Of course I got him, I managed to make him fall in love with me (which truly is a miracle as he doesn’t do love) and we were so happy. No man in my life has ever made me feel the way he did. I’m not going to make out it was this perfect fantasy romance, because it wasn’t. We’d argue and fall out; we’d spent nights separated, one on a sofa, the other in the bed; we constantly had to agree to disagree. But I loved him, more than life itself. I know, dramatic or what!? That is just how I felt. He affected my life, everything in it and made me who I am today. I haven’t been with anyone since we broke up.

Unfortunately, love is fleeting and we couldn’t make it work. All those things we had promised each other on nights tangled in the sheets were not going to come to pass. I had to hide myself away and lick my wounds like a maimed animal, lost in the battlefield that was our broken relationship. It hurt like hell. More than anything I’d ever known, pre-J or post-J. However, I knew I couldn’t stay hidden forever. 

So, finally, a year later I have tentatively dipped my toe back into the dating pool. I may have posted about one of my ex’s in a previous post but I think that is just the curse of your very first love. They’re always there. And here we are… A couple of months of rubbish dates, emergency mid-date interventions, several bottles of chardonnay and “All By Myself” being played at least 300 times on my itunes, Bridget Jones-style… I have met someone new. 

That is where I have been all this time, wrapped up in tummy butterflies, cute texts and little love notes, the kind that normally make me dry heave. It depresses me to realise it, but I actually really like this one. I just need to find a nickname for him. I’m terrified of getting close to someone again, terrified of being hurt, terrified of even sleeping with him. I honestly feel like a child. 

But I’m excited. For the first time in what feels like an eternity, I have a man in my life that thinks (and I quote) “you’re perfect just the way you are”. No weight loss, no hair cut, no quit smoking. Nothing. Nil. Nada. Nought. Just the way I am. It’s been a long time coming, but finally I feel like I’ve let go of J. And all those things we did, all the mistakes and memories and silly little reminders are just the past, a lovely piece of history to be filed away.

Anyway, I’m off on the pursuit of happiness. See you on the other side… 1d3a.

“But the wild things cried, “Oh please don’t go- We’ll eat you up- we love you so!”

Today I was devastated to find out that Maurice Sendak, author of “Where The Wild Things Are” , had passed away at the age of 83. This man brought to life my childhood fears and then, by the time my Mum and I had finished the book, they were no more. He made the monsters that hid under my bed suddenly my best friends in my dreams and every evening was spent running around in my onesie pajamas, caterwauling about Max and the Wild Things.

Everyone had a book of their childhood, whether it was an old folk tale from their parents or the most commercial of kids pop-up books,and it is impossible to forget them. They were the stories that fueled your imaginations, set you on your career paths or even just made growing up more bearable.

So I am wondering, which authors and stories kept your childhood dreams alive? And which characters flew in your dreams at night?

The death of any talented writer is a loss to the world, especially when it’s one you kept in your heart since you were four… Rest in peace, Maurice Sendak.

I’m off on the pursuit of happiness.. See you all on the other side.. 1d3a.

“The past reflects etern…

“The past reflects eternally between two mirrors -the bright mirror of words and deeds, and the dark one, full of things we didn’t do or say”

Shantaram.

Book written by Gregory David Roberts.

Just can’t keep up with the flow.

Absolutely shattered. That’s how I would sum me up right now. Completely shattered. I suppose on the upside, I have diverted two crises and everyone is still happy. Gotta’ be a good sign right?

C was easy to sort out. We talked it out, had a drink, ate crappy food and worked through the issues. Turns out I was right, men are idiots and she swears they will be the down fall of her. I think guys will destroy themselves before women are conquered by them, time will tell! I just wish I could guarantee that she’d take my advice. Men that text other girls whilst in bed with you, are a waste of space. Correct? They may not have all the labels of a “RELATIONSHIP” but c’mon.. I do not know of a self respecting woman that would stand for it. Or am I just looking to logically at affairs of the heart?

The main news of the weekend has to be The Ex. We had such a lovely evening catching up and talking and laughing and kissing.

Yup. 

I kissed him. Or he kissed me. Whatever. The point is, it happened. I said before that it would be horrendous if that happened, but actually, it’s not that bad. It isn’t awkward and we’re still friends. I think it put a lid on the box for us. Done, dusted, over. Friends of mine have totally judged me for this. In fact, the way some have reacted, you’d think I’d jumped into bed with him and asked for a marriage proposal. Honestly, there have been all the accusations of “leading him on”, “opening old wounds”, “you’re such a tart”. People that would normally have a giggle about kissing a guy are turning on me like wolves in a pack. Clearly I am not in the pack anymore.

Judgement is a horrible thing and it really has made me think about times that maybe I have jumped the gun, judged someone rashly or even made biased, snide comments. I have felt a little rubbish actually and, especially now i’m recalling their words, feel a tad hurt. I don’t like causing a fuss, I certainly don’t want to have an argument, I just wish they could, y’know, be mates? Or is that clearly too much to ask? It’s been quite a while since friends have phased me out like this and I’m thinking, “what kind of friends do that?”. Surely your mates say, “oh my God! I cannot believe you did that! …So then what happened? We want all the details!” not click their fingers, turn their backs and walk off like that clique of popular girls used to do. That isn’t the kind of girls I chose as friends.

Is this a naive attitude? Or am I right that your “sisterhood” of friends should try to be there as much as possible? Unless of course you stole their man. Or ran over their cat.

In all seriousness though, I feel like I’m fourteen again. Ridiculous I know.

Anyway, I’m off on the pursuit of happiness… See you on the other side.. 1d3a.

Quick, catch me up.

 

Unfortunately, I have to go and be a best friend in a crisis. My friend, C, is in a complete mess and so it is time to stage a rescue intervention. However, I promise and update as soon as I know my friend isn’t overdosing  on chocolate and contemplating how much Jack Daniels she can drink before she forgets her name.. I know, I know, we’ve all been there, right? I’m pretty sure it’s due to a crap taste in men, but y’know, just an opinion. How do you tell your best friend this? Any advice for the rescue party!?

I’m off on the pursuit of happiness, I’ll see you all on the other side.. 1d3a.

The condition of “The Ex”..

Recently, I have been reflecting on my past love interests, a subject bound to drive most women to a bottle of Sauvignon in no time (or a bottle of vodka, worse case scenario). This time, however, I’ve been managing pretty well without popping a cork and attempting to find the answers. So it came as a surprise to find myself engaged in a conversation with my childhood, first love about “where it all went wrong..”

It was this precise moment I wished the ground to swallow me up and the wine to follow me down there.

Nobody forgets their first love, I don’t care what anyone says to get them through the awkward conversations. The people who say they don’t remember, just don’t want to remember. Now imagine having your sweetheart asking you the thorny question, “why did it end?”. What could I say? How could I say it? And, God forbid, is this going to lead to more questions? I did the only thing a slightly inebriated girl could do… “How about you come over and we’ll have a chat about it? Or we could go out somewhere?”

WHY!?

On what planet, real or fictitious, did my brain come up with this answer? It certainly wasn’t functioning at top performance, was it? So now I find myself stuck with a dinner date tonight, at my house, where I have to entertain, be charming, and yet manage through the night without ending up in either of these circumstances..

A) The terrible fallout: The night ends in chaos. After a lovely chat where we settle whatever issues we have to settle, we share a bottle of wine. After a glass or two, someone makes a pointed joke to which the other takes offence. As the conversation becomes more heated, I cannot keep my mouth shut. With tempers flaring, I become cutting and sarcastic, leaving any form of friendship in tatters. The evening is ruined and all because I couldn’t stop myself from making a silly comment about him coming round for a chat. Totally wrecked. Carnage ensues.

B) The awkward moment when..: Chat, dinner, wine. More wine… Too much wine? Seeing each other again and actually spending quality time with each other makes us remember all the good times and the best parts of each other. We laugh and perhaps even flirt. We stick on a movie and open another bottle of wine. We all know where I’m heading with this, right? We reminisce, filling the atmosphere with words and and memories past. Here’s the problem: will it be the awkward moment when we kiss, or will we be so caught up in everything that it will be the awkward moment in the morning?

There is no way either of these scenarios can play out. Just no. He is THE EX. The one your mother loves and your dad takes fishing. He’s the one you spent hours crying over at 15 and finally managed to be with. He is the one that calls you on your birthday even though we were years ago. He is the one you wonder “what if?” about every time he goes on a date with someone else..

And what if we were to kiss..?

Any ideas out there? Or am I over thinking something I should just leave well alone?

I’m off on the pursuit of happiness.. See you on the other side.. 1d3a.

Just getting started..

First blogs should perhaps be amazing, direct, controversial or just plain quirky.

I’m not sure this is going to be any of those things, I’m merely trying to get used to this right now. I’m not too clear on the kinda’ thing I’m going to write about either. Perhaps the words will just flow and find a place on the page, I’m hoping so anyway. 

“One day, three autumns” is a Chinese idiom that is used when you miss someone so much, one day passing feels like three years. So I guess I gave away that some posts will be about love. I wouldn’t be writing if I didn’t love doing so and hand in hand with that comes reading (or for me it does anyway) so be prepared for that seeping through. Movies, culture and somewhere in between all of it, lots of opinions and my life. I hope you’ll like it, I’ll try to be as original as you can these days. 

Anyway, I’m off on the pursuit of happiness, I’ll see you all on the other side.. 1d3a.

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